I feel like a loser

and not in a good way
I've gained
I'm not saying how much. because I actually don't know.

I'm avoiding the scale.
like the plague.
seriously.

I can't even bring myself to turn it on.

I suck

I need to pull my head outta my arse

I know I said before I was going to do better.
well
I lied
to you
to myself
to my family

I am a failure

I have no excuses

none

I've ate crap
every day
I hate it
totally hate it
it really does taste like crap
I feel guilty for even eating it
but I continue to do so
why?

no clue!

just habit I suppose
and lazyness
I would love to blame my family
but I am the one doing the shopping

I am the one putting the shit in my own mouth

*sigh*

I feel fat
I feel like shit
I feel like a failure

I am going to slowly get back on track.
yep.
I said slowly
I can't expect myself to turn around overnight.
I didn't fall off my plan overnight.
it took a few days


life happens
I will deal
but I had to let you all know how much I suck
I am only hurting myself, I know, but I feel like I let you down too.
and that sucks big time!


but on a happy note..

me n the hubs celebrated our 16 year anniversary

yeah
I
know
16 years

 yeah
I am actually wearing a dress.. I had to go buy one because our date was to dress up and go out. it was a blast. we went to see Hotel Transylvania. yep. a cartoon. it rocked!

 he luvs me!

and our baby girl. her homecoming dress. isn't she darling?
yeah. I love to brag bout her.

Staying the same

in spite of being sick.. ugh!
I hardly got any workouts in last week..
it's really hard to run when you can't breathe..


but I stayed the same.
I'm ok with that

I made sure I packed lots of good food today.
carrots, greek yogurt, cottage cheese.. fruit... mmmmm

we had the chance to get some tickets to "party" with the Cullens! squeeee!!!
it was 6 a.m. and freeeeezing!
but we got the tickets!!

 my hubby loves me!

so this week.. I still can't breathe..
but I am going to do a 10k on Thanksgiving, so have to train for that!
I am going to focus on getting my eating back under control..
no more "well.. I ran three miles, so I can have that cookie"
nope!

Happy Halloween!!

I stayed the same on my ww's weigh in.
not to shabby for missing a week, right?

this week I am determined to go DOWN!
I get stuck at the little losses and stay the same for weeks.. then BOOM I go down.
I am making that happen this week!

Our challenge is to track everything we eat today.
no problem!
I am also going to make sure I get all my water and activity in.
Every day!
ok. no activity today, since it is my night to stay home with the hubs. Also.. we get to stay home and pass out candy!
we've never been able to.. and now the kids are bigger.
woop!

so.
here's to a great week!

a quickie

I'm going to a new yoga class..
it's tai-chi yoga..
I am soooo excited..
and better yet..
I'm bringing three teenagers with me!
they love coming to yoga with me..

I am feeling bloated and icky this last week..
not sure why..
maybe too many veggies making me "gassy"?

this saturday I am doing the Breast Cancer walk that is supposed to be huge here.. of course.. I signed my girls up too.. good thing it's just a walk.. my little one barely made it through her 5k for school lol

then.. next Sunday..
get this!
We are all dressing up like Zombies and I am running an Undead 5k and they are walking an Undead mile!
how sweet is that!

I will of course, take lots of pics!

I am not giving up people!
my food tracking and my body may not be cooperating.. but I will not stop!

I also have to share a lil moment I had with the hubsters..
he told me he was kind of getting nervous about me losing all this weight..
that I am becoming "hot" again and that makes him somewhat scared I am going to, idk.. leave him..
well..
so not true!
I told him, honestly, that I am doing this for ME!
and that is so true..
so
yep.
I said it out loud.
I am doing this for ME!

weekly progress check in

Thank you Thursday's child for the reminder email to put my check in post up..

I am not feeling well today, so I will keep it short..
I did not lose.
in fact.. I'm pretty sure I gained..

last week was tough for watching my weight.
I seem to have forgot to eat well..

but I walked a 5k with my youngest daughter on Saturday..
that was fun..

then the hubs went to the gym with me.. so I jogged for an hour.. he walked and said it was great!
I can't wait to see him go back..

I missed some exercise and didn't track much.. but this week will be better..
since I can go grocery shopping today!
I am going to basically start over with my body for life challenge and weight watchers will be a boost too..
I signed up for Dr oz's challenge.. it is sponsored or something by weight watchers.. but there is a chance to win a million dollars! whoop! if that isn't incentive.. I don't know what is!

so.. short n sweet.. I'm gonna take a nap now..

see ya soon!

oh wait.. before I go...
see what cute things I got for my kitchen this weekend..

I also got some little ramekins...
if this doesn't want me to make healthy goodies for me and my family.. I must be nuts!

life get's in the way?

why do people say that?
how can 'life" get in the way?
of?
life?
really?

is that just an excuse for not doing what we tell ourselves we need to be doing?

I think so.

I am the princess of excuses.

I'm in pain.
My back is killing me.
My body is achey.
My head hurts.
I can't walk very far..

those were alllll excused I've used in the past.
up until
about a year and a half ago..

then.. I woke up
who says I can't make better choices for myself?
why can't I get on that treadmill and do what I CAN?
why was I letting "life" get in my way of happiness?

I was lazy.
I was truly in pain. every day. still am. Just not to the extent as before.
but I learned to cope
and deal

and live.
life.

I am "life"
no more letting myself get in my own way.

tomorrow is the hubster's n mine 15 year anniversary.
are we going to go to dinner?
yep.
am I going to eat pasta?
probably
am I going to let myself feel guilty about enjoying "life" for one night
nope.
I am going to give myself over to the experience and the company
I don't have to eat the whole plate or the entire basket of bread.
I can still be "good"
and I will be.
but I am not going to cheat myself out of a special night just because I am afraid of what the scale might say about it.
I am allowing myself to be "normal" and that's ok.

I don't have to deprive myself from anything.
Everything in moderation is perfect. The perfect way to live.
I have lost almost 60 pounds by living this way.
I am going to love myself and enjoy myself.
I will be just fine :)

Day one

and
it begins

day one
of
Body for Life

last night I had my super supportive hubster take "before" pics

and the good man that he is
didn't say a word
not one
word
about my side belly
or my double chins
or my donut rolls
or
anything for that matter..

he even asked that I take
"before" pics of him

"before" what? I have no clue..
he isn't a "dieter"
he's a couch sitter..
whatevs..

he's happy with his sports watching while I'm sweatin at the gym..
we make it work.

so..
I got my pics..
I got some good foods..

here's my plan for today..

Protein shake w/ fruit
orange

peach
slice of 45 cal whole wheat bread w/ nutella! mmmm I can't wait to try this stuff..

cottage cheese/ grapes


plum
protein bar

prolly a big salad for dinner..

going to start the workout plan today too..
I'm not sure how I'm going to do this since I already workout lots..
I'm not thinking of changing too much.. just focus more on what the plan says needs to be done.. I'll finally have a schedule :)

Day 1

Upper Body Training

Chest/Shoulders/Triceps/Back/Biceps

Day 1

Upper Body Training

Chest/Shoulders/Triceps/Back/Biceps

upper body is today.. which rocks.. since I did the evil leg machines at the gym Friday.. and still sore in hidden special places today..

go me!

as for the slimmer this summer challenge.. I'm still here.. still working!
woot!

What a bummer and a month with no fast food?

 the hubs gave me his ipod touch.. I handed mine down to my teenager..and so on..
but I had the awesome Nike+ app.. so I could use the pedometer, the workout tracker thinkabajig.. and sync it on my puter..
it was awesome!

but the new Ipod touch.. doesn't have it!
well.. it does.. but I have to buy

this..

which is around $20
I don't really mind.. but I really have to have one for the app to even start..
I wanted to go make a few playlists for running, walking, ellipticalling, stairmastering.. etc..
but it wont let me do that.. ugh!

boo!

 anyone know where I can get a Nike + sensor for cheap.. free is better!

Me n the hunkaman hubs decided we would go a whole month with no fast food. none.
this may sound easy for most people. but we have all kinds of excuses for eating out.
I get busy and don't always have time to cook dinner.
I haven't had time to get to the grocery store for lunches..
I'm lazy..
etc..

 after a meltdown from the youngest daughter for not buying her mcd's.. seriously.. there were tears and lots of crying..
yeah.. over food..
fast food.
crap.

we decided to be the parents.
and no fast food
for a month.

it's gonna be hard.. but worth it
to show my kids
they can be healthy
and eat yummy food at home
and I am going to be challenged to cook.
every day
ugh!

wish us luck

we'll need it!

oh..one more thing..
would it be weird to ask a fellow (yes a total stranger) gym goer.. who looks totes like she knows what she's doing.. (I'm talking bodybuilding championship trophies here) to help me out some?
think she'd freak?

I have a plan!

Finally!
I have some sort of organization in my brain!!

I have always just exercised.. not really planning out what I'm going to do, how much or how often. Just exercising..

So.. I have the benefit of the webiverse to push my arse in gear!..
here I go..

first.. I'm doing this for 12 weeks... hopefully to win a Mytrak.. I soooo need one but don't have the fundage..
fitblogger challenge

I made a goal this week to run/jog 15 miles.. easy peasy..

Then I found the awesome weigh training plan.. same site. fitblogger weight training
there is great info.. some aweome printable charts to help keep track of my workouts (which I love love love)
this is also 12 weeks..
I am going to be spectacular looking by summer!
Maybe I can talk my hunkaman into joining me in the weight lifting part!

How amazing does it feel to have a plan. And to be able to accomplish it? I can't wait to hit the gym today!

Zumba and spinning classes tonight with the teenager! woohoo!!

Oh.. and I am going to take more pictures.. of stuff.. :)

Monday Monday!

Gooood Monday morning!!

psst.. it's my birthday!! :)

I got my first present Saturday. I lost two pounds!!! eeee I was soooooo excited!!

Then hubby took me to lunch and surprised me with my bff from high school showing up! It was the best lunch ever!!

Me n my hunkaman

my bff n her hubby

Then the kidlets got me some cuuuute lil goodies,, a pink windchime, some incense, and some smelly good stuff.. And my hunkaman got me a barnes & noble gift card.. yay books!
hubster made me a diet coke better then sex cake.. it was only 4 pp's per piece! and soooooo goood!! mmmm

I was off to a great week.. the whole fam came to the rec center with me, that was awesome!
I jogged a mile and a half! woot!!
here's my hunkaman and kidlet number one workin out :)

Can't wait to start this week..

oh yeah.. guess what??

I made my 5% goal and ten pounds!! woot woot!!

Now I'm aiming for 10%.. let's do this!

Oh and my hubby loves me..

got these at work..

jogging and jiggling

yeah.
I was told a year or so ago by my rheumatologist.. No running or anything that will have impact.
due to my awesome neck and back issues.
I can damage nerves or even paralyze myself.
Talk about scary.

I have been walking really really fast on the treadmill for a while now.
Looking over at the little skinny minis running all happy and sweaty.

I wanted to be running like them.
so bad.

So last night. after a super sweaty 30 minutes on the cross trainer elliptical thingy I decided.. well everyone else decided for me. Since all the machines were taken. That I would go walk on the track for a bit.

The kidlets were swimming.. so there was nothing to stop me. :)
Ah the sights you see on the track at the rec center.
For instance..

One running man that should not wear baggy shorts. They ride.
One reallllly tall guy that totally rocks some awesome black knee high socks with his white sneakers and blue shorts.
A cute lil lady in her church clothes that has her cell phone glued to her ear for the whole 30 minutes I was up there.
A few drool worthy mens. That made it all worth it. :)

uh hem

So.. I get my walk on. I get faster. I text my hunkaman that I really want to run.
I'm crazy. I know.
But when something is forbidden.. I crave it that much more. yanno?

so he says.. ok.
then I remind him that the dr said no. He says.. well just do it and don't hurt yourself. go slow.

so I jog. I actually remember how to jog.
I jiggle. a lot.
I jog slow. No pain. at all.
I feel good. I am jogging.
I am jiggling but I am jogging.
fist pump!
a few times.
I manage three laps before I decide I really don't want to hurt myself and walk a few more laps.

A great workout!

next time.. Im totally taking pictures.

a page from the past

I was sorting out some papers I had kept in a binder. I call it my "diet binder"
It was full of a "diet" I tried last September. Well... started the beginning of October and lasted about six weeks.
I peeked at the first page, where it made me write down how much I weighed and how big my tummy was. OMG seriously! gross!!

But.. It said. 191 pounds. Sick I know.
And my waist was 39 1/2 inches. Talk about diesel tire!

I was really shocked. Since then.. I've lost 15 pounds and 3 1/2 inches from my waist.
Woot!

I think the holidays messed that number up somehow.. but since joining WW's I've lost 7.8 pounds. Not too shabby..
I have finally started listening to my body. Really listening.
I don't have to have that cupcake after dinner. I don't have to constantly snack on chips or candy while watching tv.
To be honest. I rarely watch tv anymore. I leave that job to the hunkaman.
I am usually at the gym getting sweaty.
I love working out. I might even be addicted. Yeah. I said that.

I can feel my muscles getting stronger. I can actually see some of them under all the fluff. Exciting!

I have tracked every single bite of food I ate since joining WW's. It isn't always pretty, but I am making the effort to keep myself from ever getting back to my heaviest weight. I am actually scared of it.

I can tell you. I have had the urge (several times) to just eat the whole box of cookies in the cupboard. I really wanted to buy some boxes of chocolates that were on sale after V-day. I soooooo wanted them!
But I got ahold of myself and remembered that I am worth all this hard work.
My hunkaman even mentioned the other day.. "your face is getting thinner, I like it."
Aaaahhh.. I kinda like him.

He is so supportive of me losing weight and exercising like a mad woman. Because, he told me, it is hard to be attracted to a fat girl. He is honest this way. And maybe a few years ago, it would have hurt my feelings. But yanno.. It didn't. Because I know I'm fat. and I am not attracted to me. so why would I expect him to be?
I know he loves me. No doubt about that. This is not about being shallow or a man. He was just honest. I appreciate that.

But I have struggled with being overweight, at times morbidly obese, for years. I hate it!
I made a commitment to myself. I can be "me" again! and I will be!

Yeah. I know. That was a lot of rambling and emotional stuff. But I had to say it. :)

Have a great day!

Happy Love Day!!

and all that mushy stuff!

who am I kidding? I am the ultimate mushygirl!!

So I weighed in Saturday..not the five pound loss I was hoping for but down 2. something.. I can't remember right now..

I got my five pound bravo sticker! woohoo!! a sticker!
I told my hubby it sounds so kindergarten, but that damn sticker is a badge dammit!
I will never see those five pounds again.
ever!

I only need 2.8 or something (see how off I am today) to get another!

take that beotches! two stickers!

so that's my goal this week.

With V-day and coworker birthday lunches this week.. it's gonna be a struggle, but I can do it!

our leader said something.. and I am paraphrasing..
only you are in control of what goes in your mouth. only you are in control of what you eat.

and yanno.. she is right!

Oh Oh Oh !!!!
I finally got my hunkaman to the gym on Sunday! omg I bout died when he said he'd go.
lemme fill ya in.
I've been going to the rec center in town for over a year.. almost daily. yup really.

aaand.. I've asked him almost every time if he wants to come workout with me.. yanno.. to get more sexy n stuff..

get turned down every time..
till yesterday!!
woop!!

isn't he smexy??
back off.. he's mine! lol