six months

This is getting real people!

It has been six months since I've plateaued...
SIX months people!
 I feel like a failure
seriously
big fat failure
I've let myself down
I've let my kids down
I've let my hubby down

I say I have been "trying" to lose this last bit (big bit) of weight for months, but have I really been trying?
my mind and heart say no
that is hard to hear myself say
harder to let you read

I get comments almost daily
"you've lost so much weight"
"you are getting so skinny"
"what are you doing, you look great"

etc..

I smile and say thanks
but in my head I tell myself.. I still have a loooong way to go.
I still see myself as the fat person
the 215 pound person

I see the fat.
I see the flab.
I see the jiggles.
I feel the insecurity.

maybe that is why I am stuck
I still believe I am that person

I have lost almost 60 pounds, 159 to be exact.
I still have 25-30 to go before I will truly be happy with the scale number.
I know I won't be happy with that
The mental aspect is what's stopping me I believe.
I have come pretty far
I know that.
it has been super slow and really hard
but I've done it so far
I just haven't been able to accept that.

Everyone I know is proud of me.

I am not proud of myself.

yet.

I know I say, I need to try harder, I will stick with this or that and I never follow through.
I've given up.
but I haven't given up.
make sense?

I know I have to accept what I've accomplished and be happy with it in order to move forward.

*sigh*

maybe I need a therapist.
a hypnotist
a personal trainer
a personal chef

ugh.

I just need to keep going.
I will not give up.

ick

I've been so super busy lately I haven't had time to breathe.. mkay.. maybe a lil inhaling..exhaling..

I was .2 away from getting my next 5# sticker.. which would be 30#'s..
until..
Vacation..
four days of fun.. hiking.. driving.. eating crap..
no exercise..
I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning..
up ten pounds.
seriously.
ten pounds in four days?
wtf?!

so..
I'm going to try my hardest to get back down.
I hate myself right now.
I have fought so hard to reach this goal.. and to be so close then throw it all away. It's very discouraging.

I know the vacation was worth it. We needed a break.
but I didn't need to eat all those treats and snacks.

*sigh*
I am so ticked at myself.

but it is what it is.
the damage is done.
now I have to pick myself up and move on.
I hope I learned my lesson. and thank the goddess we don't go on many vacations!

still here

I'm still kickin..
not kick ass.. but just kickin..
I am stalled.
seriously plateaued people

help me!!!!!

I've been battling the same two pounds for six months now.. or more.. this is stupid. really really stupid.

I have decided Weight Watchers may be giving me too much "freedom". I am going to combine it with Sparkpeople. I think I need to see my actual calories, in and out.
I am going to bump up my protein with shakes and other things.. not too much a vegetarian can use.. specially one that doesn't care for tofu...

I went to a body tone class and was literally sore all over for a week. I need to do this every week.
I am going to mix up my workouts. I am pumping up my weight training.

I can do this! I have a plan. I am writing it down. I am sticking it to my fridge. I am going to get past this @#$#@$%$#%^& and start moving down.
I can taste my goal. My blood, sweat and tears are worth it!

check this out

I found this lil thing on my new polar.. it is tracking my totals!
so.. from my first workout.. 2/17/12

 41 hours of exercise!!

 check out the calorie total!! woot!

pretty cool huh?

Sunday Run and other weekly sharing goodies

I missed going to the gym Sunday.. so me n my youngest went on a run.. outside!
it was around 45ish degrees outside.. not to cold to run..

I ran about four miles..
took some pics while warmin up

The moon

 the sun

 pretty

 Lacey

 Lacey and a big ass tree

 we stopped to teeter-totter

It was a great run!

got a new tatt.. the "om" sign.. it is special to me :)

I tried not drinking my diet dr peppers this week.. nope! didn't work. I lasted a day and a half.. but I am considerably lowering my artificial sweetened carbonated beverages from now on... at least until I can break myself of this bad habit. I know they are bad for me. I just can't stop! I need an intervention..stat!

I got another new tatt.. for my b-day! It's not finished.. Im going back in a couple weeks to finish it.. its on the underside of my upper arm :)

I am eating more veggies.. but still not eating the best for me.. I just can't get out of the bad food habit.. ugh!
I am addicted to pinterest. lots of good, healthy recipes there.. go check it out!

I am going to run a half marathon in July! I will start training for it now.. I can get six miles before I get bored.. I need to figure something else to distract me.. angry birds and words with friends on my Kindle help some...
but I will be a half marathoner!! woot!!

mkay.. that's about it for this week!!
enjoy your weekend :)

Not really an update

I don't have much to update you on this week..
I did lose the weight I've been struggling with the last four months...
I am now at my lowest ww's weight since joining..
just 1.6 to go to get my 30# loss..
then just 14#'s to reach my goal..
doesn't seem like all that much, but I just can't seem to go down and keep going down..
I have tried rethinking everything.. I have tweaked and tested.. nothing has worked.
I am tracking.
I am mixing up my exercise.
I am not drinking more water.
that is my goal this week.. water water water!
if I pee my pants. it will be worth it to see another loss Saturday.
seriously.

I am loving my polar hrm. I wear it every day I workout. I love seeing all the calories add up.. I hope to be able to figure out how to make spreadsheets to share.. I can't figure out how I got the last one I had.. ugh!
off to conquer the world.

polar training so far

Here is a spreadsheet of my info so far. not bad I think..
I didn't get the model that syncs to the computer, so I have to enter it manually.. I think that's ok for now. I can save the $80 bucks and type for a couple minutes..
I just wish the hrm had a pedometer on it so when I'm not on the treadmill.. I'd know how far I was going.. I also guess I can pull out one of my five or six pedometers lol..
I have so many gadgets.. spose I can use em?

Start Date	End Date	Training Sessions	Duration	Distance	HR Avg	Calories	Pace Avg	Speed	Sport Zones
17.02.2012	17.02.2012	2	01:19:15	0.0	132	1713	00:00	0
18.02.2012	18.02.2012	0	00:00:00	0.0	0	0	00:00	0
19.02.2012	19.02.2012	3	01:21:51	0.0	133	1284	00:00	0
20.02.2012	20.02.2012	0	00:00:00	0.0	0	0	00:00	0
21.02.2012	21.02.2012	2	01:32:46	0.0	127	626	00:00	0
22.02.2012	22.02.2012	0	00:00:00	0.0	0	0	00:00	0
Summary:		7	04:13:52	0	130	3623	00:00	0

I finally got one!

The hubs got a promotion at work!!
eeeee!!!!

so.. I got to buy myself something special.. something that I've dreamed about, obsessed over, longed for....
uh hem..

check it out!!

squeee!!!
I got a heart rate monitor..
now I just have to learn how to use it :)

*update*
I got this one.
first- it's PINK
second- it's waterproof.. which means sweatproof .. whew!
third- it is a great brand. I've heard lots of great things about it..
fourth- did I mention it's PINK?
:)

I need an app for my kindle and my phone.. any suggestions?

slacking

yup.
you guessed it.
I'm slacking again.

I can't help it.
bronchitis slowed me wayyyy down..
I haven't felt like cooking.
I haven't felt like exercising. although I did a few times and didn't pass out from no oxygen. yay!

Last night I made asparagus for the first time ever!
I didn't take a pic.. cuz I burned it a lil.
it was still good. I think.
I've never had it, so I think it was ok.
maybe next time I won't burn it.

I gained .8
ugh!
not too bad considering.

This week I am trying the protein shakes at lunch. along with a salad.
a bowl of cereal (raisin bran) for b-fast
some fruit n veggies for snacks
lots of water.
back to exercise.
hopefully I can get my stinkin 5 pound star I've been not working on for months!
seriously. since November!
that is stupid. seriously stupid.
I can't lose five pounds in three months?
what is wrong with me??

I've been gaining and losing the same three pounds since October.
I need a change.
and I need it NOW!

off to work I go!
I am going to be on plan and watch what I eat and my exercise so well this week, you won't know what happened!
:)

Those damn cute jeans

A week or so ago, my Mother in Law ( totes adore her)
gave me a pair of jeans that she had bought for my niece. She said they didn't fit her and rather than take them back, she would love me to have them.
First, these jeans are adorable!
hip. huggers.
skinny. jeans.
eeeek!

but dammit, they are cute!

Size 11

which is, get this,
HALF the size I used to wear!
yup.
HALF!

I can squeeeeze into them. almost button them up.
ALMOST!

so I made a goal for myself.
no way am I giving these back. or giving them to my teenager.
they're all mine baby!

When my birthday comes, March 7th.
I WILL fit into these jeans!
no negotiations.

Every ounce of willpower and strenght I have will be summoned and used for the next 31 days.
Wednesday March 7th, I will put them on and take a pic.
That is how determined I am.

Zumba, yoga, running and everything I can get my body to do.. HERE I COME!

not to mention tracking, eating only nutritious and healthy food that is going to fuel my body..

now that I have it in writing.. let's do this!

anyone else have something they would like to make a goal and join me?

comment or email me!
it will rock!