six months

This is getting real people!

It has been six months since I've plateaued...
SIX months people!
 I feel like a failure
seriously
big fat failure
I've let myself down
I've let my kids down
I've let my hubby down

I say I have been "trying" to lose this last bit (big bit) of weight for months, but have I really been trying?
my mind and heart say no
that is hard to hear myself say
harder to let you read

I get comments almost daily
"you've lost so much weight"
"you are getting so skinny"
"what are you doing, you look great"

etc..

I smile and say thanks
but in my head I tell myself.. I still have a loooong way to go.
I still see myself as the fat person
the 215 pound person

I see the fat.
I see the flab.
I see the jiggles.
I feel the insecurity.

maybe that is why I am stuck
I still believe I am that person

I have lost almost 60 pounds, 159 to be exact.
I still have 25-30 to go before I will truly be happy with the scale number.
I know I won't be happy with that
The mental aspect is what's stopping me I believe.
I have come pretty far
I know that.
it has been super slow and really hard
but I've done it so far
I just haven't been able to accept that.

Everyone I know is proud of me.

I am not proud of myself.

yet.

I know I say, I need to try harder, I will stick with this or that and I never follow through.
I've given up.
but I haven't given up.
make sense?

I know I have to accept what I've accomplished and be happy with it in order to move forward.

*sigh*

maybe I need a therapist.
a hypnotist
a personal trainer
a personal chef

ugh.

I just need to keep going.
I will not give up.

ick

I've been so super busy lately I haven't had time to breathe.. mkay.. maybe a lil inhaling..exhaling..

I was .2 away from getting my next 5# sticker.. which would be 30#'s..
until..
Vacation..
four days of fun.. hiking.. driving.. eating crap..
no exercise..
I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning..
up ten pounds.
seriously.
ten pounds in four days?
wtf?!

so..
I'm going to try my hardest to get back down.
I hate myself right now.
I have fought so hard to reach this goal.. and to be so close then throw it all away. It's very discouraging.

I know the vacation was worth it. We needed a break.
but I didn't need to eat all those treats and snacks.

*sigh*
I am so ticked at myself.

but it is what it is.
the damage is done.
now I have to pick myself up and move on.
I hope I learned my lesson. and thank the goddess we don't go on many vacations!